Stress Management In The modern World

Goal Setting

2010-05-30T01:20:00.001-04:00

Goal setting

Goal Setting - In Theory And In Practice

Spring is here, which means the start of TV reruns and the opportunity to get up off the couch and get active again. Maybe you have some projects on the back burner or you'd like to revisit some of those New Years resolutions which fell by the wayside shortly after the start of the new year. For many of us, planning process, is the most difficult part of the task. Establishing goals is of course fundamental in providing a clear vision of what you want to accomplish. Setting one or more goals seems to be a straightforward process. You establish a specific goal, one that's measurable and has a defined timeframe for completion. You implement your plan, measure your progress towards reaching your goal and then evaluate the outcome objectively to refine your process.

On the surface of things, it reads well and sounds easy enough to do. Unfortunately, it rarely works out that way for numerous reasons; primarily because we often fail to establish realistic goals. Additionally, we often casually set goals with only a hazy view towards how they'll actually be accomplished. And while we're typically motivated at the beginning of the process, it's not at all unusual to lose our motivation somewhere along the way.

When preparing your own goals, it's important to first understand that every goal you set must be realistic and readily achievable, given an appropriate amount of time and resources. For example, setting a goal to earn $25,000 per month within three months, when your present earnings are less than $1,000, is probably unrealistic. On the other hand, setting an ongoing goal to increase your earnings by 5% or 10% per month is not only realistic, but more likely to be achievable.

Once you've defined a goal you believe you can accomplish, the next step is to break it down into smaller, manageable tasks and scheduling them in sequence (assuming one task depends on the completion of another). Before defining the target date the overall goal must be completed, be certain that each task is given a reasonable amount of time for completion and allow the sum of the tasks to define the completion date, rather than arbitrarily selecting one.

Depending on how far into the future your goals are planned for, it's very helpful to schedule regular progress reviews, even if you're the only one involved. For example, scheduling time every Friday afternoon to review your progress and make any necessary adjustments will keep your goals current. Don't be surprised if something unexpected interferes with your scheduling from time-to-time. That's normal and you will simply need to identify some way to compensate for it.

Another artificial barrier to actually meeting your goals is the process itself. Be careful to avoid implementing a goal management process that consumes more time than the goal itself. On a smaller scale, a simple spreadsheet will often suffice to meet all of your management needs. For larger scale management, a variety of goal management software exists, usually scalable for most organizations.

Aside from actually working the process towards eventually realizing your goal, the final step is to take some time to evaluate the overall process and your performance at the end. This should be done objectively and embraced as a learning opportunity, one that will help you to improve your performance the next time.

With proper planning, setting realistic goals can only benefit you and your business in the long run, especially if you streamline the goal management process for yourself. If you think of it as an evolving process focused on continual performance improvement, over time you will see a measurable improvement in everything you do!

To your success,

Dennis

ACTIONS THAT ENCOURAGE OBEDIENCE

2010-03-14T23:06:00.001-04:00

When children do not do what they have been asked to do, privileges can be withdrawn until they cooperate. Because they are in control of the length of the consequence, desired results usually happen quickly. When children do things they have been told not to do, privileges can be taken away for a specific period of time. Such punishments do not guarantee that children will act appropriately. They only ensure that parents have done their part to help young people follow rules.¹ However, children will learn from their mistakes when punishments are designed to:

• Teach good conduct rather than cause distress or prevent mistakes from ever happening.

• Be severe enough to produce tension, but not so severe as to cause undo frustration.

• Start as soon as possible after misbehavior.

• Provide opportunities for children to stop consequences by performing the desired action—A child can go to bed a half hour early until she gets up on time two mornings in a row.

• Directly relate the consequence to the behavior—A child who leaves the door open may have to close it behind him twice before he goes about his business.

TYPES OF PUNISHMENTS

The greater the variety of punishments parents use, the more effective they will be. The following are reminders on the do's and don'ts of common punishments:

ü Hands-on action allows parents to take advantage of their size and strength. When you use your voice, you are on the same level as your children. They can scream as loudly as you can. When children do not respond to one verbal request, take prompt action. In many cases, you can interrupt disobedience and then provide an immediate chance to perform the desired behavior:

• Put your hand on a child's shoulder to help him or her move along when it is time to go.

• When the stereo is too loud, the plug can be pulled for five minutes.

• Toys that are used destructively can be taken away briefly.

• When a young child won't give up a fragile object after three counts, simply take it away.

üTime-out is a consequence that interrupts undesirable behavior, focuses attention, and creates the earliest possible opportunity for correct conduct. One minute per every year of age is a standard guideline for the length of time-out. A baby who eats dirt can be put in the crib for one minute. A preschooler who leaves the house or yard unattended can be placed in a corner for four minutes. The following increase the effectiveness of a time-out:

• Place children where they can be observed. They often enjoy "time-out" in their rooms or act destructively.

• Walk children to time-out and hold them until they are capable of complying.

• Ignore fretting or fussing as long as children stay in the time-out spot or position. Distress shows that the punishment is having impact.

• Increase concentration by having children watch a timer or hold a glitter wand.

• Give one warning and then act—"If you touch that again, you need to take a time-out."

• Be consistent when children repeatedly break the same rule. It is better to give a 6-year-old four time-outs for pushing the baby than one 24-minute-long time-out.

• In public places, immediately take children to the car, a bathroom stall, or an outside back wall for time-out. This is amazingly effective!

• Briefly pull to the side of the road if children are disruptive while you are driving.

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¹ More ideas on firm parenting can be found in Back in Control by Gregory Bodenhamer (Simon & Schuster, 1984).

• Use a "moving time-out" with hyperactive children who make up for time they sit still by being overly active later. For example, they can walk back and forth on a line 10 times.

• Children can shorten time-out by stating the behaviors they need to change.

ü Essays are an excellent way to logically relate a consequence to a "crime." They require children to concentrate, think about their behavior, empathize with others, and comply with parents. Very young children can make "pictorial essays" or copy a simple sentence. Depending on the child's age, an essay, sentence, or picture can cover the following points:

a. Why do my parents think this rule is important, and how do they feel when it is broken?

b. What was on my mind when I broke the rule?

c. What disagreements do I have with the rule, if any?

d. What do I plan to do to keep myself from breaking this rule in the future?

Even resistant children will write an essay when they are told they will have no privileges until it is correctly completed. Children may need to interview their parents or even do research to complete (a). If children are given only one sentence to write, it is much better for them to cover (a) than to make promises they may not keep. Do not correct children's reasoning on (b) and (c), even if you disagree. Children can write the essay more than once, depending on the seriousness of the rule broken. For example, a 13-year-old who has been sneaking out at night might be required to rewrite the essay every night for a week.

ü Restrictions are a form of time-out for older children. Privileges such as using the phone, visiting friends, using the car, or having time alone can be taken away. Be specific about the length of restrictions, but do not make decisions in the heat of anger. Lengthy restrictions often punish parents and do not give children the opportunity to demonstrate that they can change their behavior. Restrict or supervise contact with friends with whom your child tends to break rules, but never criticize a child's choice of friends. Explain restrictions in terms of misbehavior, not character. When possible, allow children to reduce the length of restrictions by writing an essay or correcting misbehavior. For example, allow your children to go out with friends if they succeed in coming home on time five days in a row.

X Spankings are not recommended in this action-oriented approach for the following reasons: (1) Often, parents are not comfortable giving spankings. They may threaten children many times before taking action. (2) When spankings are used, the parent is active and the child is passive. Time-out, essays, and restrictions, on the other hand, require the child to comply with the parent. (3) Spankings can encourage young children to hit. If you don't spank, you can tell the children "We don't hit in this house." (4) Spanking older children can create anger and resentment that lead to further defiance.

New and improved website coming soon

2010-02-17T02:41:00.001-05:00

Just want to let all of you know that I'll be unveiling a new and improved website soon!

Try a new hobby or interest

2009-09-04T23:54:00.004-04:00

If you're feeling stressed out and spread too thin, taking up a new hobby or exploring a new interest is probably the last thing on your mind. But if you're looking for a way to rejuvenate and energize yourself, a new hobby might be just the thing you're looking for. I know what you're thinking, I don't have the time. Well, if time is the only thing holding you back, take a moment to look at how you currently spend your time and see if there are ways to restructure. For example, Nielsen Media research reports that the average person spends 4.5 hours each day watching television and the average household Television is in use an average of 8 hours per day. If you add this up over a lifetime (the average life expectancy in the U.S. is 78 years), that adds up to 14.74 yrs. Think you could learn to play the piano or dance the tango in that amount of time? Don't get me wrong, I'm not down on TV, I'm just using it as an example to demonstrate that there may activities which currently take up significant amounts of your time, time which could just as easily be used in other ways.

Now that I've convinced you that you have the time to invest in new interests or hobbies, lets talk about the benefits of a hobby. Everyone knows about the health benefits of exercise and other physical interests, but you don't have to exert yourself to benefit from a hobby. Studies have shown that people who regularly engage in hobbies such as sewing and gardening are less likely to suffer mental decline. The New England Journal of Medicine published a study which found that those who pursued mind-boosting activities -- such as crossword puzzles -- lowered their risk of Alzheimer's disease or other dementia. A hobby can be relaxing, excite you or energize you. It may give you something to feel passionate about or simply some time to yourself. One thing is certain, if you're focused on a hobby or an interest, you're less likely to be focused on your stress or other worries.

A hobby can also become a source of supplemental income or a nest egg for retirement. In 1996 an anonymous collector paid $2.3 million for a single stamp and in 2002 The 1933 Gold Double Eagle, designed by Augustus Saint-Gaudens, sold for $7.5 million U.S. dollars, the highest price ever paid for a single coin. Well it's not likely that you'll stumble across such a rare find, collectors spend millions of dollars on EBAY and thousands of people worldwide have turned their hobbies into a source of income. Who knows, maybe you'll write the next great novel!

So get off that couch and do something you've always wanted to do and remember that when all as said and done more people regret the things they didn't do rather than the ones they did.

Summer's winding down

2009-08-18T18:10:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile since my last blog and I must admit, I don't have a good excuse other than I've been enjoying the summer with my kids and family. I'm one of those people who love everything about summer, from sitting on my back deck watching fireflies on a warm summer's night to those hot sweltering days in August. The sound of an ice cream truck and kids playing in the yard remind of all the simple pleasures I sometimes take for granted. As the days get shorter and the kids return to school, I'll try and milk as much enjoyment out of the days as I can, until it's time to get out my sweaters and put away my shorts and sandals.

Think you're stressed out,? Try landing on the moon.

2009-07-20T19:13:00.000-04:00

40 years ago today, as half a billion people watched in awe on their tiny (by today's standards) T.V. screens, Apollo 11 landed on the surface of the moon. A feat so incredible, there are still those who believe that it was all an elaborate hoax (I won't dishonor the memory of the lunar landing, by giving any credence to this theory). Just two years earlier, on January 27, 1967, a flash fire occurred in the Apollo 1 command module during a launch simulation, killing the three astronauts meant to pilot the mission. I imagine that Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins were keenly aware of this, as they prepared to embark on a mission which had never been attempted, let alone accomplished. Despite the exhaustive training and preparation, NASA really had no idea what to expect. What must have been going through the minds of those astronauts as they made the three and a half day journey to moon? Watching the Earth grow smaller and smaller out the bay window, the significance of what they were about to do had to be weighing heavily on their minds. Among the distractions the astronauts had to deal with were the sounding alarms when the ship's computer couldn't keep up with the data stream. As they approached the lunar surface, Neil Armstrong made a decision to take manual control of the lunar lander to select a safer landing spot, all with only about twenty seconds of fuel remaining.

Nine months later, on April 11, 1970, Apollo 13 was launched for another trip to the moon. Two days into their mission, a fault in the electrical system of one of the service module oxygen tanks produced an explosion which caused a loss of electrical power and failure of both oxygen tanks. Fortunately the command module remained functional on its own batteries and oxygen tank, which were only designed to support the vehicle during the last hours of flight. The mission was aborted and the crew was forced to shut down the command module and use the lunar module as a "lifeboat" during the return trip to earth. Despite the great hardship caused by limited power, loss of cabin heat, and a shortage of potable water, the crew managed to return safely to Earth.

Between the first and last lunar mission in December 1972, The United States managed to make it to the moon and back six times. No other country has ever successfully landed a man on the moon. The moon landings remain a testament to the drive, resilience and human ingenuity of the men and women of this great country.

So the next time you're struggling with a bad day or worrying about all which lies ahead, look up at at the moon, take a deep breath and know that you can handle anything the world throws at you.

Some thoughts on weeds and relationships

2009-07-08T17:20:00.000-04:00

While mowing my lawn yesterday, and grumbling to myself about how horrible my yard looks, I thought about that all American pursuit of the ideal lawn. When my wife and I first moved into our home, our yard was in pretty good shape. Nicely landscaped, a few weeds here and there, but otherwise a lawn to feel good about. Unfortunately, yard work is not my forte, it takes more work than I'm willing to put in. I'm just not one to water, weed, or fertilize.

I tend to take short cuts with my lawn. To illustrate, I ordered some Zoysia grass a few years ago, after seeing an ad in a magazine. You only have to mow a Zoysia lawn once each month, it said. Sounded great to me. My grass arrived a week later as four slabs, each the size of a large ceramic floor tile. I read the instructions, telling me to measure my lawn, separate the grass into individual plugs and plant each plug 4 feet apart. Hmmm, sounds like an awful lot of work I thought. Then I have to water everyday for two weeks? I think to myself, there must be an easier way. Why not just plant the slabs as is. It's grass right, it'll grow. Three years later, I can see the folly of my thinking. Even now, though I'd still like that lush green lawn, I'm not willing to pay for a lawn service. I tell myself things, like, oh my lawn's not that bad or I'll have more time to focus on the lawn when the kid's are older and I have more time.

All this thinking about my lawn, helped me think of a good analogy. Relationships, like lawns, take lots of work. I see many couples in my practice struggling with poor communication and trust issues, or who have simply begun to drift apart over time. Their story is frequently the same. Things were great while they were dating, then they got married and things began to change. There are careers to launch, houses to buy, and children to raise. With all these outside forces pushing and pulling them in different directions, it's not surprising that things change. Couples turn their attention to addressing all the other things going on in their busy lives and their relationship begins to suffer. The physical and emotional intimacy wanes, they spend less time talking and engaged in "couple" activities. Over time the needs of the "family" completely overshadow their relationship. Strain on the relationship ultimately leads to a breakdown in communication, more conflict and increased tension. By the time a couple makes it to my office there is much work to do.

The good news is, that once a couple has decided to "tend to their lawn" so to speak, they are usually successful at addressing the issues which have eroded the foundation of their relationship. With their relationship once again a priority, communication improves, they spend more time together and the emotional and physical intimacy between them increases. The realization that the relationship will not take care of itself leads them to take consistent action to ensure that their relationship continues to grow and get stronger year after year.

At least my yard was good for something.

Have a great 4th of July

2009-07-04T01:35:00.000-04:00

I hope you all have a great 4th of July. Remember all of those who are risking their lives to protect this great country.

2009-07-02T14:53:00.001-04:00

Hanging with Josh

This is the world as we know it

2009-06-29T19:24:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, while playing with my kids in our backyard, I watched as they joyfully picked the wildflowers blooming by the creek which runs behind our back fence. My five year old son was blissfully tossing stones into the water when our afternoon interlude was interrupted by the screams of my two year old son. He ran to me, his little finger swelling up like a Vienna sausage. He had been stung by his first wasp, while trying to catch the poor thing. As the tears streamed down his little face, he looked at me and cried out: WHY! As I wiped the tears from his face and kissed his boo-boo, I did my best to explain to him how such a horrible thing could have happened. In a few moments he was back running and playing, stopping now and then to look in amazement at his swollen finger.

This moment stayed with me. I realized that this is one (albeit minor) of a long line of "tragic" events which are likely occur in my son's precious life. Someday, he'll have to deal with the loss of a loved one, the end of a dear relationship, and the daily barrage of "bad news" which streams across television screens nationwide. In a society where there seems so much chaos and turmoil, it's easy to become cynical. We learn from the adults in our lives that there is so much to fear. Don't talk to strangers, don't trust the government, don't count on anyone but yourself.

All too soon we grow up and our focus shifts from the joy of discovery to a daily struggle of personal survival. As we try to make end meet, reconcile our checkbooks and balance our personal and professional lives, our primary communication with those we love increasingly comes through Facebook, text messaging and Twitter. We stop watching sunsets (except for the infrequent family vacation), we don't lie in the grass watching the clouds drift by, and we rarely take in the wonder of an evening thunderstorm (except to check for water damage). With all the technology available to make our lives easier, we are busier than ever.

As the Fourth of July nears, I think back to my own childhood, playing baseball with my neighborhood friends from sun up to sun down. We were the lucky ones, I guess. Most of our parents held good jobs and were happily married (my parents have been together since high school). We didn't have to worry about being abducted, or being the victims of random violence (at least we didn't know we should be worried about those things). Now as I drive past the nearly empty parks and ball fields, I wonder what has happened to childhood. Is the world such a horrible place that we need to keep our kids locked up in the house (I know, TV and video games), safe and protected from the evil world outside.

Is the world really a more dangerous place, or is it simply our perception of the world? I for one will choose to believe that people are still basically good, that the world is still a basically safe place and that the risk of a wasp sting is a small price to pay for the enjoyment of a beautiful summer. Thankfully, my children still feel that way too!