Some thoughts on weeds and relationships

While mowing my lawn yesterday, and grumbling to myself about how horrible my yard looks, I thought about that all American pursuit of the ideal lawn. When my wife and I first moved into our home, our yard was in pretty good shape. Nicely landscaped, a few weeds here and there, but otherwise a lawn to feel good about. Unfortunately, yard work is not my forte, it takes more work than I'm willing to put in. I'm just not one to water, weed, or fertilize.

I tend to take short cuts with my lawn. To illustrate, I ordered some Zoysia grass a few years ago, after seeing an ad in a magazine. You only have to mow a Zoysia lawn once each month, it said. Sounded great to me. My grass arrived a week later as four slabs, each the size of a large ceramic floor tile. I read the instructions, telling me to measure my lawn, separate the grass into individual plugs and plant each plug 4 feet apart. Hmmm, sounds like an awful lot of work I thought. Then I have to water everyday for two weeks? I think to myself, there must be an easier way. Why not just plant the slabs as is. It's grass right, it'll grow. Three years later, I can see the folly of my thinking. Even now, though I'd still like that lush green lawn, I'm not willing to pay for a lawn service. I tell myself things, like, oh my lawn's not that bad or I'll have more time to focus on the lawn when the kid's are older and I have more time.

All this thinking about my lawn, helped me think of a good analogy. Relationships, like lawns, take lots of work. I see many couples in my practice struggling with poor communication and trust issues, or who have simply begun to drift apart over time. Their story is frequently the same. Things were great while they were dating, then they got married and things began to change. There are careers to launch, houses to buy, and children to raise. With all these outside forces pushing and pulling them in different directions, it's not surprising that things change. Couples turn their attention to addressing all the other things going on in their busy lives and their relationship begins to suffer. The physical and emotional intimacy wanes, they spend less time talking and engaged in "couple" activities. Over time the needs of the "family" completely overshadow their relationship. Strain on the relationship ultimately leads to a breakdown in communication, more conflict and increased tension. By the time a couple makes it to my office there is much work to do.

The good news is, that once a couple has decided to "tend to their lawn" so to speak, they are usually successful at addressing the issues which have eroded the foundation of their relationship. With their relationship once again a priority, communication improves, they spend more time together and the emotional and physical intimacy between them increases. The realization that the relationship will not take care of itself leads them to take consistent action to ensure that their relationship continues to grow and get stronger year after year.

At least my yard was good for something.